cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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