sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
