I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
