don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
