This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
