If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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