when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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