How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
