I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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