Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
