the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
