You just made me feel so damn special
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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