my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
