I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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