you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
