I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
