Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
