Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
