my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
