forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
