Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
