After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
