My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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