"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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