You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
