I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
