I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
