I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
