When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
