he thought i was a dude.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
