So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
