I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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