Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
