the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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