K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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