there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
