I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't deserve a penis
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
