life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
