I want to have your abortion
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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