if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
