I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
