Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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