her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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