Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
