i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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