Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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