I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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