You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
