So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
