I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The power of my boobs compel you
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
