the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize