Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
