I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
