You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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