There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
