by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I checked into jail on foursquare
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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