I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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