Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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