she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
