I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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